why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
