doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
