I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
