nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
