so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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