i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
