I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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