Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize