we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
