I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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