It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
