she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
