those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
