It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
