he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
