Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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