God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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