I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
