I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
