I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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