my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
