Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
