his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
