Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
