i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
