you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
