no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize