the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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