Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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