why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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