he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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