Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize