I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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