I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
