seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
