just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
