You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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