Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
