You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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