i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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