When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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