I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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