Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
