I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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