Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Randomize
