She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
