I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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