why didn't you poke me back
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
