you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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