I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
