guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
