I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
