We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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