So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
