he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
