everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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