I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
