she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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