When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize