my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
