What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
