My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
