I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
